Revenge of the Long Entry
2001-12-19 - 4:16 p.m.
The business world is a strange place. For those of you lucky enough to be in it (yes, that's sarcasm), you know how bizarre it can be at times. On the other hand, for all the HS and college kiddies out there (not to mention the people lucky enough to be in a different line of work), allow me to give you a couple of examples of why I'll never understand corporate life.
This past weekend, our group held its annual awards banquet which basically took the place of this year's Christmas party. That was canceled since management felt it would show the wrong impression, as my company cut a few thousand jobs this year. Never mind the loss of morale, but that's a whole different rant right there.
Anyway, the purpose of this banquet was to have a good time and then reward people (with handsome plaques!) for jobs well done during the year. There were a bunch of different categories, ranging from the serious (Best Team Lead) to comical (Biggest Motormouth). I missed the whole thing as I was in Florida, but one plaque that was awarded to the entire section has really been puzzling me all week.
Most Improved.
Yep, the whole group got the Most Improved award. Hmm. Now stop me if I start making sense here, but wouldn't the adjective "Most" entail that of many groups, this particular one stood out? Unfortunately, we are just one group, there is no one else that does our job that we are being compared to, and yet we are "most improved." I tried to explain this to my co-workers, but I just got blank stares as they kept saying "But look at how much better we are than last year!" Okay, maybe they are, but that would be, I don't know, maybe a Performance award or the like. Sorry for rambling about this, but it just puzzles the hell out of me. I guess my first tip off should have been when I read the plaque and it mentions our "Never Ending" something or another. Misspelled plaques (there should be a hyphen, kids) are never a good sign.
Okay, on to the next thing, and I'm fairly sure a lot of corporate types will empathize with me on this one. Every year (well, sometimes quarterly too), we're supposed to have a review of how well we are doing. Okay, that's fine and dandy since it gives us good feedback on what we're doing right and what we need to improve upon, correct? Well, you'd think so, but in every review I've had so far, the employee (ie, me) is supposed to write a review of how well we met the standards we set for ourselves that year, rate ourselves as such, and then you sit with the manager, he looks it over, signs off on it, and you get your 5% raise, regardless of what the hell you write.
Obviously, being the smartass writer I am, my reviews of myself are never dry old legalese. Usually, I describe myself and my accomplishments in glowing adjectives and adverbs (something you never see in most business documents), and I pretty much portray myself as the second coming of Christ. I figure, if I'm gonna get the 5% raise one way or the other, why not have fun with it?
Our reviews are due this year by the first week of January, so I've got a few weeks to come up with something appropriately bullshit-worthy, so I'll fill y'all in once I'm done with it. Just for an example of what kind of stuff I turn in, the following is an actual word-for-word copy of a 'Individual Performance Objectives Form' I turned in back in early 2000. Unlike a review, this lists what I plan or want to accomplish during the year. It starts out a little dry, but let me tell ya, it gets good. Just be sure to read each objective in full, especially from #4 on. And yes, I DID turn this in. Granted, I had to redo it later, but it's the thought that counts.
INDIVIDUAL PERFORMANCE OBJECTIVES FORM
- Objective: Learn development-type skills so I can eventually transition to a development role. These skills would mostly be technical, such as programming languages (C, C++, Java, SQL) or environmental (UNIX). In addition, I would like to learn more functional skills such as getting a better idea of how Virtuoso II works and its architecture, which is critical knowledge in being able to develop for it.
- Objective: Obtain a promotion to Programmer/Analyst II.
- Objective: Until objective #1 is met, I would like to take some time and work alongside some developers so I can get a better idea of what the job entails. This could take the form of sitting with them as they work, as well as going to technical design meetings.
- Objective: Eventually move to a more socially acceptable shift, such as 12-8, before my girlfriend breaks up with me.
- Objective: Whine and complain until I get a 17" monitor, in order to prevent total and complete eye failure, which by the way, this tiny font is not helping.
- Objective: Now that I have a new computer, I intend to try and keep a slightly more positive work attitude, something which will be greatly enhanced if one or more of the above objectives is met (except for the 12-8 thing, since that's not really my idea).
- Objective: Harness the power of the universe and use that power to take over the Earth. Following that, the people of the world will be forced to pledge allegiance to my godlike presence. A 1000 years of peace and prosperity will follow, as the world becomes a modern utopia. Space travel will become commonplace and mankind will proliferate throughout the galaxy. Humans will bring the word of my greatness to distant worlds, and eventually my name will be praised from one end of the universe to the other. I will have become God. Failing all that, I'll just try to make it to more status meetings.
Is it any wonder pretty much all my managers and supervisors give me plenty of space?
So the latest addiction in my life is the Playstation 2 game Baldur's Gate:Dark Alliance. I've spent the last two nights on the couch downstairs completely losing track of time and playing this wonderful game until 6 one day and 7:30 in the morning today. Ah, there's nothing like lack of sleep due to video games to make your life complete.
For those who care, the game is pretty much to consoles what Diablo was to PCs. Only I like it a hell of a lot more. So sue me for enjoying playing a game while lying on a couch with a controller rather than hunched in front of my computer with the mouse and keyboard. Awesome, awesome game, though I should have it finished by this weekend. However, since there are three distinctive characters, there is some room for replayability. Although, when I'll find time is beyond me, what with all the other stuff coming out.
Speaking of which, Final Fantasy X came out yesterday! There goes any last hopes of a social life in the near future. I'm going to try and hold off buying it since I have literally hundreds of hours of games still waiting to be played (thanks in large part to Baldur's Gate II for the PC). However, I'm pretty sure I'll have FFX in my grubby little mitts by this weekend.
On the subject of purchases, I'm a little peeved with buy.com. Way the hell back when (early November, to be exact), I preordered the Moulin Rouge DVD since it was a great price and in the past, I've always received the DVD a day or two before it arrived in the stores.
Well, yesterday was the day MR came out on DVD, so on the way home I checked my mailbox and guess what? Nada, nothing. They e-mailed me and said they sent it out on the 17th (Monday), but a whole hell of a lot of good that does me now. With the way Christmas affects the postal system, god only knows when I'll see that DVD. I mean, it's not like I don't have enough to watch right now (I STILL haven't watched Jurassic Park 3 or Rudolph, and Episode 1 isn't even unwrapped yet), but it's the principle. Besides, I'm fairly sure I'll be watching that the day I get it in the mail.
One last thing, it appears I forgot to mention one of my Christmas presents in the rundown the other day. I ended up getting the new Toby Keith CD which was a pretty pleasant surprise. I hadn't mentioned it in my official list to my mom, since I forgot about it, but then I noticed it in her car and mentioned off-hand how much I like him. Well, lo and behold, there it was under the tree. Woohoo! So, in honor of that forgotten present, I'll end this entry with a snippet from one of his latest songs. I think it pretty much sums up my page...
We talk about your work, how your boss is a jerk
We talk about your church and your head when it hurts
We talk about the troubles you been havin' with your brother
'Bout your daddy and your mother and your crazy ex-lover
We talk about your friends and the places that you been
We talk about your skin and the dimples on your chin
The polish on your toes and the run in your hose
And God knows we're gonna talk about your clothes
You know talkin' 'bout you makes me smile
But every once in a while
I wanna talk about me, I wanna talk about I
I wanna talk about number one, old my me my
What I think, what I like, what I know, what I want, what I see
I like talkin' 'bout you you you you usually
But occasionally, I wanna talk about me
Until next time...